Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
