how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
