i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
