Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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