I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
