You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
