Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
