this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
