he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
