I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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