So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
