i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
