I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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