sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize