Define "chronic" masturbator.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
