i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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