Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
