Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
