Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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