so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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