Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
