I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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