someone threw a dead crab at me
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
