i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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