You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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