i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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