mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
