Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
