I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
