That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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