I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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