Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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