Im at strip club and am horny
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
