the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
