I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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