I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
