so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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