watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
