I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
