just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
