Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
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