Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just blew my weed a kiss
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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