Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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