when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I wish you could order shots online.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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