Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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