help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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