peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
