i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
