chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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