Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
