well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
