It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
