I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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