whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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