it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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